I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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