how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
birth control should be required to get into college
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I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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