A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
