Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
