guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
