Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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