You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
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Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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