Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
