i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
