so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
