you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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