U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize