I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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