I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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