he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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