Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
