it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You ate ashes out of my bong
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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