Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
