saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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