I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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