they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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