sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
