Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
