haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
