i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I want to fling myself into the sun
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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