i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.