Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I looked at my own cervix.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
i think i have herpe
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE