I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
