I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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