ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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