She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
