Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
