just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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