Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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