He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
