My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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