im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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