Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
