is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
