You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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