I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.