i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!