Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
