The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
