i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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