I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
