Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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