dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
