forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize