plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
