I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
