ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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