I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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