bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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