She's JV to your varsity
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
