i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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