i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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